Misc Humor
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Misc Humor
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| This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25
years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens
it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch...your neighbor
from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to
come." "Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to
meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you
there's gonna be some drinkin'." ========================== A business man took some clients out to dinner last week, and he
noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of the waiter as he handed them the menus. It seemed a
little odd, but he dismissed it as a random thing. Until the busboy came with water and
tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. He looked around the room, and
all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter returned to take
the order, he just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," the waiter
explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency
experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they
concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil,
at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing our workers for this
contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly
1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as the waiter concluded, a
"ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen
spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm
in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. The
businessman was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask." "No problem,"
the waiter answered. Then he continued to take the orders. As the members of the dinner
party took their turns ordering, and that's when, out of the corner of the eye, the
businessman spotted a thin black thread protruding from the waiter's fly. Again, he
dismissed it; yet he had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and
busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. The curiosity overrode discretion at
this point, so before the waiter could leave, the businessman had to ask. "Excuse me,
but... uh... why, or what... about that string?" "Oh, yeah," he began, in a
quieter tone, "not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found
we could save time in ========================== This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. "
I know this midget with a speech impedement who wants ========================== A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow." Submitted by Ken T. ========================== An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunch" Submitted by T Jones ========================== Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year old John Glenn's
return tospace: ========================== This guy from Georgia gets off of work and goes home to his trailer, only to find that his wife is packing up all her stuff. He says, "What are you doing?" "I'm leaving you!" she hastily replies. "Why?" he questions. "I heard from the neighbors that you're a pedophile!" she retorts. "Ooooooooooo," he mockingly replies. "Pedophile, that 's an awfully big word for a ten year old." Submitted by Rett ========================== There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannotaccept money from you; I am doing a Community Service". The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service". The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Filipino goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and
barber replies; 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing
a Community Service'. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess
what he finds there - ========================== An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" Submitted by Chuck ========================== 1. Cats do what they want, when they want. ==========================
========================== Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the
old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His
hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to
town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols.
He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced
shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was
time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode
into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the
Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest
fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me.
Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you
have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a
black horse. But, can you shoot?" Marvin looked around the room and said,
"See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting
the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot
with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."
Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other
cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece
of advice for you." Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it?
What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the
kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub
them around in the lard, get ==========================
========================== A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the
teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished
woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you
say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this ========================== John was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile
and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the
company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, John decided
to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations,
he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he
knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could
do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was
great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. ========================== Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the
wheel on his way to an important address. Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who
is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto
the ========================== The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and
was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the
African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that
Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As
your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian
roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,
point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly,
but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. <click <click>
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African
ambassador was much impressed with the courageous ========================== A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live. He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do. "What
you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the
Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can ========================== A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate." Submitted by chuck ========================== Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119." Submitted by jerrynic ========================== On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee ========================== A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects,
so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his
instructions, ========================== Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying
next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here
for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about I had that done
to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice
cream. It's a piece of cake!!!" The second kid then asked, "What are you
in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa!! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk
for a ========================== Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on this topic of happiness. He shouted "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!" Out to prove this he glanced at his audience. And he saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often to do you have sex ?" the philosopher asked "Once a month." the man answered Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile.And he asked him "Sir, How often do you have sex?" "Once a week. " the man shouted Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do you have sex?" "Well,...everyday" the happy man answered. "There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher. But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?" "Yes, Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man "So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the man "WHAT ??? ...Then why are you so happy ??" The man while laughing, and jumping said: "IT'S TONIGHT . . .IT'STONIGHT!!!!!"Submitted by Hennessey ========================== A little boy lived with his mother. His dad had left them when he was
still an infant, (doesn't sound funny yet. Yes. I know) and now he was approaching his
sixth birthday, never having known what it's like to have a father, to have a man around
the house. Naturally, this was on his mother's mind, too. She had been without a partner
for years, and was lonely, sometimes very depressed about it. ========================== Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."Submitted by Chuck ========================== Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome
prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That
night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and ========================== A newlywed Chinese couple were on their honeymoon night. As both were inexperienced and naive, the groom asked his wife: (read in chinese accent) " Dahring, wat do you want to do tonight?" The new bride took a few seconds to response, then shyly said: " I want to try a 69". Excited and eagerly nodding to his bride, the chinese groom says: "Ok honey, I order beef with broccori!" Submitted by Skosh ========================== A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What on earth is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm." "Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?" The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."Submitted by Chuck G. ========================== The Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq ========================== A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around scratching his crotch and not paying attention to class. She goes to the back to find out what is happening. He is quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just been recently circumcised and he is itchy. The teacher asked him to go down to the principals office, to phone his mom and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to his desk and suddenly, there is a terrible commotion in the back of the room. Back down the teacher goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. I thought I told you to call your mom. " I did," he says, "she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she would come and pick me up from school." Submitted by J. Collins ========================== An old country doctor went to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was at home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old son. The doctor instructed to child to hold the lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The boy did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again" the child said, "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place." Submitted by J. Collins ========================== A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."(submitted by jerrynic) ========================== This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." (submitted by Scott True) ========================== A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older. The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex." (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he was finished he looked at the other two and said "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?" They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!" At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. "What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax". (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great
"running of the Bulls" festival. ========================== A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was possibly this guy he met once named George, but the body was so badly burned, he needed somebody to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. Joe came over to the body and said, "He's burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He then brought in Al. Al takes a look at the body and said, "Wow, he's burned to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, the same reply, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Al replied, "George had two assholes." The mortician then said, "What?! How could he have two assholes?" Then Al replied, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two assholes!'" (submitted by R Gagnon) ========================== Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery? they're still brother and sister. (submitted by Rett) ========================== A minister was walking along a street when he came a cross a young boy holding a bottle filled with a clear liquid. The boy would shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles, shake the bottle and watch the bubbles. The minister became curious and asked the boy what he was doing. The boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the universe, it's turpentine." The minister, feeling that here was a perfect chance to teach the boy a moral lesson said, "No my son, the most powerful liquid in the universe is Holy Water. Just rub a couple drops on a pregnant woman's stomach and she will pass a boy." The boy though about it a moment and said. "Why that ain't nothing, if you rub a couple drops of this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a motorcycle." (submitted by Rick's) ========================== The mail carrier had a registered letter needing a signature for a party
on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the
back door. It was open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice
from inside said, "Come in." ========================== The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets,and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost. submitted by Bob Reyes) ========================== A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her board and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Five weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." (submitted by C Guinn) ========================== A duck hunter hadn't shot a duck all day. As he was walking back to his truck disgusted with his luck, a duck flew overhead. He shot it and the duck fell from the sky, but it landed in the middle of a barnyard. As the hunter neared the barnyard a farmer emerged from the barn, scooped up the duck and headed for his house. "Hey!" said the hunter. "Come back with my duck!" "Your duck?" returned the farmer. "It was laying in my barnyard. It's MY duck!" "No! No! I shot it and it just happened to to fall here. It's mine!" shouted the hunter. "Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way." said the farmer. "What's that?" said the hunter. Farmer: "We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can. The last man standing wins the duck. That is, unless you're yella." Hunter: "Of course I'm not! The country way it is." Farmer: "Fine. Since we're on my property, I'll go first." Hunter: "Suits me fine." With that, the farmer took a half step back, steadied himslef, and kicked the hunter square in the crotch as hard as humanly possible. The hunter curled up in a ball, and screamed like an animal for 15 minutes. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightened up and gasped, "Now ... it's ... my... turn!" The farmer replied: " Nah, I give up. Here's your duck." (submitted by cg moore) ========================== The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water which Silver drank. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Yes, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and says "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know ... you left your Injun running." (submitted by C Guinn) ========================== I went to see that slasher movie, Scream 2, last night. It's a good movie, but the guy in back of me ruined the film. This guy is saying, "Oh, that's not real! That's not how you do it! Gimme a break! You don't hold the knife that way!! I turned around and said, "Look, O.J. will you shut up, please?"(submitted by jerrynic) ========================== Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love
life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. . ." "The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles
to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve ========================== One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub
together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were
about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck
in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman
fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had
happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer ========================== An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women." ***POOF*** The Arab is turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached. (submitted by C Guinn) ========================== The bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady steps onto the
bus and puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers without saying a
word. The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his left thumb to the palm
of his right hand and wiggles all eight of his fingers.The woman then looks a bit confused
and in silence grabs her boobs! The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his
balls. The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus!! ========================== John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough." (submitted by Rick F.) ========================== Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, "'No shit.'" (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies, politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"(submitted by jerrynic) ========================== There were two old boys who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. Just before they got to the lake they stopped at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The fellow couldn't stand it any longer......... "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said, .......... "We don't even have the boat in the water yet!"(submitted by astrophyl) ========================== A young ventriloquist is touring the Southeast and stops in to entertain in a bar in Arkansas. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes...we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister...I'm talking to the smartass little fella on your knee!"(submitted by astrophyl) ========================== An efficiency expert was driving through the countryside when he noticed an old farmer in an apple orchard feeding his pig. What he saw drove him absolutely crazy, for the farmer was holding the pig over his head and moving the pig from apple to apple while the pig ate happily. He turned around, parked and walked up to the farmer saying "Hey there old timer, have I got a good idea for you". The farmer asked him what it was and the Expert continued, "Just put the pig on the ground, get a stick, knock the apples to the ground and let the pig eat them there. It sure will save a lot of time." The old farmer thought about this while he moved his pig to another apple and finally said "Hell, mister, what's time to a pig?(submitted by jerrynic) ========================== A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!". While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother". (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on one end. The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "I'll get my hat." (submitted by Bob Pohlman) ========================== A Chinese lady on holidays in London goes to the bank to change some Hong Kong Dollars into pounds. She asks what the exchange rate is and the teller says, "HK$12.50 for 1 British pound." She goes ahead and changes some money. The next day she needs some more pounds and goes back to the bank. This time the teller says, "HK$12.80 for 1 British pound." The Chinese lady says, "What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and now today it's $12.80???" The snotty British teller says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese lady replies, "Well, fuck you caucasians too!" (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== The woman called the local newspaper to place an obituary notice for her husband. All she wanted it to read was "John died." The clerk said, "But ma'am, you can get three more words for the same price." The woman thought about it for a few minutes and then she added, "Car for sale." ========================== The farmer had a pretty nice horse and one of his neighbors wanted to buy it. The neighbor stopped one day and offered $500 for the horse. The farmer said, "Oh, I don't think so. He doesn't look so good." The neighbor thought he'd offered him a pretty good price and he was a bit miffed. So, a few days later he stopped by again and said, "Okay, I'll give you $600. for that horse." The farmer thought for a moment and said, "Okay, I'll take it. But he doesn't look so good." The neighbor took the horse home, but a few days later came back to complain to the farmer, "That horse is blind." The farmer said, "Well, I tried to tell you he didn't look so good."(submitted by jerrynic) ========================== A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!" (submitted by KWT) ========================== A yuppie in 'Miami' opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!" (submitted by Christopher Moore) ========================== After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked,"Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother." (submitted by Joe Stall) ========================== A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a -tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman, snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature provided him at birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded! " So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!" (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?" (submitted by Charlie Guinn) ========================== A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine-a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler. (submitted by Charlie Guinn) ========================== A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.' " Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8." (submitted by jerrynic) ========================== A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter ask her mother, "Mummie, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies...........""Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" (submitted by Astrophyl) ========================== This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called." (submitted by Joe Stall) ========================== It is estimated that the average man speaks five thousand words a day, and the average woman speaks seven thousand. "The trouble is," complained one man, "when I come home from work, I've finished my five thousand, but my wife hasn't started her seven thousand yet." ========================== A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband." He'd always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." "$50,000? Really?" "Yes." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh... is this 832-4821?" ========================== A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car. State cop: "License and registration please." Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?" State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph." Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65." Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!" State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out." Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months." State Cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt." Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!" State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way? Wife: "Only when he's drunk......." ========================== A cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on the ground near his teepee. Cowboy: Hey, nice dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going? Dog: Doin alright. Indian: <extreme look of shock> Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian Dog: Yep Cowboy: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: <look of disbelief> Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going? Horse: Cool. Indian: <more extreme look of shock> Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian Horse: Yep Cowboy: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: <total look of amazement> Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep Lie!! ========================== The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger." ========================== In England, a busload of overseas tourists pulled to a stop at Runnymede, and one of them demanded of the guide: "What happened here?" "This is where they signed the Magna Carta," replied the guide. "And when did they do that?" asked the tourist. "1215 " came the reply. Looking at his watch, the man turned to his wife and said: "Doggone it, Gretchen, we just missed it by a couple of minutes." ========================== Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy year old said "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my piss barely trickles out." "Hell, that's nothing", said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the pot for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible!" The ninety year old man is disgusted with all this. "You assholes think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig." The two younger men looked at each other in disbelief, then said "So what's your problem?" "I don't wake up until 11:30," he replied. ========================== An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid." ========================== One night in a sleepy town, the chemical plant explodes into flames. The alarm goes out and fire units from miles around race to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approaches the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the fire unit that brings them out safely!" With this the firemen attack with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still have not gained any ground. With this the company president offers $100,000 to the fire unit that brings out the company's secret files. In the distance a lone siren is heard and soon another fire truck comes into sight. The fire chief realizes that it is the little rinky-dink volunteer fire unit composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement the fire engine races through the chemical plant gates and drives right into the middle of the inferno. He can see these old timers hopping off their rig and fighting the fire with an effort that he has never seen before. Less than an hour later the fire is out and the secret formulas have been saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president is so ecstatic he doubles the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers the chemical company president can't help but ask what they will do with the reward money. The driver looks him right in the eye... "The first thing we'll do is fix the damned brakes on that truck!" ========================== This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just WON the lottery!" She says "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!" ========================== A penguin buys a new car. No sooner does he drive it out of the showroom when the check engine light comes on. Of course he immediately returns to the dealership. The service manager apologizes profusely but says it will be at least an hour before he can look the car over and the penguin should relax. Well penguins being penguins our friend decides to take himself to Baskin Robbins for a cool treat on the hot summer day. Being a bird of simple tastes he indulges in a double scoop of vanilla ice cream in a sugar cone. Unfortunately, having only flippers to maneuver the cone and it being a real scorcher of a day he manages to get as much on himself as in his mouth. He finally returns to see about his car. The service manager comes out wiping his hands on a rag and says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal". "Oh no", says the penguin. "That's just ice cream". ========================== Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator. ========================== A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "About three hundred gallons." ========================== A zoo acquires at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the start, she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after careful examination announces that the gorilla is in heat, and if she was mated, she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There were no males of her species available and the other male gorillas were terrified of her. In a moment of inspiration, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, a little, old Irishman named O'Reilly who is responsible for cleaning cages, is notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla. So they approach O'Reily with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for a beer and the rest of the night to think over the offer. The next day O'Reilly says he'll accept the offer on four conditions: "FIRSTLY", says O'Reilly, "dere's ta be noooooooo kissin'. No Irishman ever kiss'd a gorilla." "SECONDLY, drer's ta be nooooooo huggin'. No Irishman ever hugg'd a gorilla." "TURDLY", he says in an even more serious tone of voice, "I want da offspring ta be raised Roman Cat'lic, and the lit'l bugger baptoized by da Pope hisself." Astonished, the zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions. "But what about the fourth condition?" they asked. "Well," says O'Reilly with a raised eyebrow, "ya got ta give me some time ta come up with the tousan' dollars!" ========================== The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. ========================== These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be!
========================== A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!" Submitted bychuck ========================== Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!" Submitted by Roger Gagnon ========================== The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." Submitted by chuck ========================== A few bad Women Jokes Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
A. Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A. The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive
by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!! Submitted by R. Vogel ========================== One day, a guy got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog. Days went by and after a while, he was starting to dream about women. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him. The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown. He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach. Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, "You saved my life! How can I pay you back?" He replied quickly, "Here, hold my dog for a moment!" Submitted by roger gagnon ========================== Q: What do the Green Bay Packers and the L.A. Police Department have in common?
Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad. This continued until they were ready to start school. The day before school started, their mothers found them crying. When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could still eat chicken salad together every day. The children did so every day. When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of your life. What IS that stuff??" To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore." Boy: "Why not??" Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers." Boy: "You are not!!" Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad any more!!" Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see." Girl: "I can't show you my feathers." Boy: "I don't believe you." So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows him her feathers. Boy: "My, my, my!! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life." Well, every day, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch. The girl, sniffing, exclaimed: "That's not chicken salad!! You said you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural life. What IS that stuff??" To which the boy responded: "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!! Girl: "Let me see." Boy: "Oh, no!! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers." Girl: "I showed you mine." Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours." They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's mouth dropped open and she exclaimed: "You're not only growing feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!!!!!!!!" Submitted by chuck ========================== MOTTOS TO LIVE BY ========================== A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Un, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs........."WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?" Submitted by astrophyl ========================== A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. ....but to no avail. The cabby said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big!!! Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of along line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "how much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?".........."WHAT???!!!!...... GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAB" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver. Submitted by astrophyl ========================== Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the day off, with pay. Submitted by chuck ========================== There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
Two guys were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one guy asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?" The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing." Submitted by Rick’s
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